I Miss Certainty

There was a time I knew right from wrong.

There was a time I knew what you should do. And what I should do.

There was a time I knew things like relationships should always be worked on, that you should always try really hard and be good, that hard work was its own reward.

There was a time I was certain that you shouldn’t be so judgmental. And I judged you for it. After all, you were so damn judgy.

Sometimes I miss certainty. Being able to rest in the knowing of How Things Should Be. I feel like I’ve crossed a line—and on this side of the line, I’m not so certain about Things.

Over here, I’ve done wrong things that felt so right.

Over here, I’m not sure what you should do. Sometimes I still think I know, but then I remember, I don’t.

As for what I should do, I can only feel my way forward in any given moment. That’s been working pretty well for me.

And as for you being judgmental, to be honest, lots of times I still think you shouldn’t be. Because I can be pretty damn judgy.

There was a time I was certain I wanted my life to look a particular way.

Then I was certain it should look this other particular way.

Now it looks like neither one of those ways.

And I’m more peaceful and happier than I’ve ever been.

Oddly enough, I’m almost certain I’ll be even happier.